me myself & i

I’m not smooth in real life(picture banned by blogger).
I know.
Shocking.
I’ve been called “socially awkward”, “a little weird”, “creepy and gross.”
Mostly the last thing.
Which is why I’ve retreated to the darkness of my parents basement to write articles on Twitter.
Due to my un-smoothyness, I try not to interact with anyone on Twitter.  I look at the people following me as make-believe.
Like the Care Bears.Alyssa Milano
You guys are all the Care Bears.
Which is good, because I’ve made some horrible mistakes.  I’m going to share seven of the most embarrassing.  Perhaps I’m not alone.

1. Sending Out A Tweet That Was Supposed To Be A DM.
I tried to privately send a DM message to one of my engineering friends.
Glenn, you see Alyssa Milano's new profile pic?  That chick’s bangin’ hot. eeet!  eeet!
Tweet sent.
Only not just to Glenn.  To everyone that follows me.
So now people know I’m like totally checking out Alyssa Milano behind Alyssa Milano’s back.
I use the term “eet eet”.
And I’m friends with a guy named Glenn.
Glenn.
Devastating.

2. Asking Your Followers To Send You A Message If They Want You To Follow Them Back.
I see this all the time.
Someone will write “@reply me if you want me to follow you back.”
I mean, I guess that’s nice.  But imagine you’re the person who has to send that horrible message.
It appears you’re not following me.  Can you please follow me back?
What that really means is.
It appears I’m Twitter’s social leper.  You clearly had an opportunity to follow me, but elected not to.  So now I will publicly beg for your friendship.

3. Answering Every Question A Celebrity Asks.
I follow this one girl who sits there and answers every question Kim Kardashian asks.
Even the rhetorical ones.
And because I’m hilariously unemployed, I will read her entire page.  And then I realize something.
Kim Kardashian is this individual’s imaginary friend.
How tremendous.


4.  Clicking On DM Spam.
Is this u in this vid?  Click here.
Then you click it.
Really?
How many videos have you done in your life, crazy pants?
How many videos have you done that you think would be sent to you via DM on Twitter by someone you don’t really know.

5. Asking For More Followers.
Hey guys, trying to get to 1000 followers by midnight.  Please RT!
Hilarious.
Let’s translate that.
Hey guys, I bring absolutely nothing to the table.  But follow me so I can get to an arbitrary number.  Thanks you guys!

6. Asking A Girl For A Twitpic Of Herself When Your W Key Is Broken.
This might just be me.

7. The “Oh Shit” Tweet.
There’s this breathtaking event that happens on Twitter.  Someone you follow sends a tweet and you can only say “oh shit”.
juss got back from the clinic, peeps.  burning shud stop in a few weeks.
mah boobs are itchy. lmaoz!
anyone in Nairobi area got any crack?  please RT
Thanks for that.
People think Twitter’s a friend they can confide in.  It’s not.
Not your friend.
Twitter’s a big douchebag that remembers everything and will throw it in your face when you’re at your most vulnerable.
You think Itchy Boobs rocketing up the corporate ladder?
Exactly.
–
There you have it.  Let me know if you’ve done any of these things, or see me do them live on twitter @watsonmaina.
And if your name is Glenn, I’m sorry.
The last thing anyone needs is a bunch of angry Glenns hehe
=>as you were!!!

So here are the shameless pickup lines i sometimes use just for the fun of it. Some time they work but sometimes it goes like..well lets just say pfttt(their loss..or not lol) hehe 
I will be sharing my shameless pickup lines and their most probable general reactions #sighhh
here we go.........................

pickup line: "Hey do you have any kikuyu in you?" [blank stare]
                  "You want some?"
General reaction to this line: F*%& off leprechaun

pickup line: "Do you clean your clothes with windex? [awkward pause]
                    Because I see myself in your pants"
General reaction to this line: Pants quickly move in the opposite direction, followed by a no-look, over the shoulder middle finger thrusted into the air.


pickup line: "Hey, do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checkin' out ma' package!"
General reaction to this line: Punch in the throat



pickup line: "Do you sleep on your stomach?" [usually followed by a 'Yes', 'Sometimes' or 'No']
                   ..."Can I?"
General reaction to this line: Simultaneously, her mouth drops while her hand slaps mine.


pickup line: "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
General reaction to this line: Only body parts to touch is a fist to my face.


pickup line: "Hey, do you have any band-aids?" [usually followed by 'no, why'] "because I skinned my knees falling for you."
General reaction to this line: Swift kick to the groin.



pickup line: "Wanna have sex while we eat pizza?" [disgusted look on her face]
"What's wrong, don't like Pizza?"
General reaction to this line: Only person visiting my pad that night is the pizza delivery boy.


pickup line: "Excuse me. Have we had sex?"
[followed by disgusted, 'No']
"Wanna?"
General reaction to this line: Another 'No' followed by: 'I'd rather French kiss a barracuda."


pickup line: "Do I know you? Because I'm having a hard time recognizing you with your clothes on."
General reaction to this line:Left with five red finger marks imprinted on the side of my face.

pickup line: If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
General reaction to this line:"Ew! Get away, creep." Followed by physical reinforcement


pickup line: Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
General reaction to this line: Your a prevert followed by pepper spray

pickup line:That shirt is very becoming on you. If I was that shirt I'd be comming on you too.
General reaction to this line:Idk I'll I remember was seeing stars...


pickup line: Do you work at Subway? `cause you give me a footlong.
General reaction to this line: Drowning in pepper spray.


pickup line: Is your dad a carpenter? (pause for effect) because I’ve got wood.
General reaction to this line:Gasp then Kick to the Family Jewels


pickup line: Going up to the girl "If I was an astronaut, I'd orbit around Uranus"
General reaction to this line:A swift kick between the legs


pickup line: If you were a pirate would you keep you parrot on this shoulder (tap the shoulder nearest to me) or this shoulder...(swing around the back for a one armed hug)
General reaction to this line: A kick right in me jolly rodgers.


pickup line: (Handing rose to woman....)
"I just wanted to show this rose how pretty you are...."
or....
"Your dress looks fantastic, but it would look better rumpled up at the foot of my bed"
 
Lastly.....(best after dark....)
"Can I buy you breakfast tomorrow morning?"


General reaction to these lines:"you are an idiot" 

Before i forget...
#nb: dont try this<bad things will happen to you>  hehehehe

1. I feel brave when I write this blog because i know I inspire people
2. I feel brave when I let those contrasting feelings of self doubt and confidence intermingle as they will
3. I feel brave when I tell someone straight up that I will not be treated in a certain way.
4. I feel brave when I stand up and don't let people tell what I am or am not.
5. I feel brave when I confess to someone that I need their help.
6. I feel brave when I hold someone's hand so that we can feel the weight of their pain together.
7. I feel brave when I tell someone how much they mean to me.
8. I feel brave when I own up to doing something I'm not proud of rather than cover it up.
9. I feel brave when I use the toaster and don't have to go through my ritual of unplugging it and using plastic tongs(NO thats my galfriends ritual lol)
10. I feel brave when I remain open to another's religious belief even though I am still dealing with the pain the religious beliefs of others created in my life as a child.
11. I feel brave when I accomplish something now that an earlier version of me never thought I could.
12. I feel brave when I love without reserve.
13. I feel brave when I look back and realize that I haven't smoked for two days(#brub the craving is back>>and the word is blazzed lol)
14. I feel brave when I stand up to say something in front of a group of people and don't whither in a dead faint.
15. I feel brave when, on a particularly difficult evening, I don't drink( does it really take a difficult eve to drink #iTakeThatBack)
16. I feel brave when I write something powerful about my personal history.
17. I feel brave when old friends find me on Facebook, and I let them in to see who I am now.
18. I feel brave when I walk to work through +40° weather>too hot in coasto:(
19. I feel brave when I talk to people whom I greatly admire.
20. I feel brave when I help someone else to be brave in the face of what they fear.

      >>>with that i leave you with Caving in by kimya dawson inspire brevity.........
                                                                                                                                 #Ciao

My mantra this past year has been: You win some...you loose some!

Yep, every time yours truly turned around---there it was again: winning following losing--- followed by celebrations followed by grieving... and on and on. This was my "lesson" from the universe...and yes, this lesson is ongoing.

And while I'm at it: why not throw another oh- so- fab truth/cliche into this post: Every Rose Has Its Thorn!

I'm ready to have the saying You Win Some You Lose Some on my forehead so that every time I look in the mirror I won't hesitate to remind myself to NOT get too cocky OR too sad--for these will inevitably change in a Nairobary City second.

So now that you've read about my dicey year, here's your new lesson:

I've always cautioned you not to blog and drink at the same time(although its fun lol). And certainly, never drink AND drive!

However, after observing the success of Jersey Shore, the Housewives franchise and other reality shows, I've reluctantly changed my mind about blogging and drinking.

For it seems the crazier you act....the crazier you dress...and the crazier you reveal your AUTHENTIC self, the more success you will have!

Of course, this formula doesn't take into account the 99 percent of those who end up in the mental ward, jail or rehab....or sitting on a rainbow on the Other Side. And yet, the odds are vastly improving for achieving success with a LITTLE crazy thrown in to the mix.

(Preface for obvious reasons: This IS a humor blog--even though its theme is blogging.)

With that said, BOTTOMS UP! Throw caution to the wind! Get hammered and then hammer those computer keys with your drunken talent!

Why not let your Pain be your Gain???

Why not let your frenemies feel your sting? They're REALLY NOT ALL THAT! And you righteously owe them a good feet to the coals in your posts, eh?

Why not risk it & be your authentic self?

It's much safer to 'write it' then to 'act out' IRL is my sage counsel.

Plus you won't be so d***** boring to read. :-)

Errr...what's that I hear you asking?

Have I been drinking & blogging

Answer: Move over axwound.

There's a new drunk in town.

P.S. Even when you're wasted, change names to protect yo sweet a$ #helluuurr

P.P.S. Don't forget to check me out on on twitter @watsonmaina for more weird humor!

                                                                                                           #out!!!

Musicians have always set trends in men’s fashion. A new men’s fashion trend is rapidly emerging in today’s men’s fashions. The current rock star fashion for men is a combination between punk and scene fashions. This male fashion trend has been seen in bars, clubs and even classrooms.
The goal of this men’s fashion trend is to create two distinct looks. The first men’s fashion look is the mellow rock star look. This is what a male rock star would wear if he was simply going out to kick back at a club. The second men’s fashion look has more of a hard edge and is what a male rock star would wear when putting on a rock show. Here is a brief run down of the men’s clothing you will need to pull off this men’s fashion trend:
Men’s Shirts: Patch tees and men’s button down shirts can take a guy from business casual to rocker on the prowl. Men’s shirt brands such as English Laundry, Local Celebrity and Proper English all offer great men’s t-shirt styles.
Men’s Pants/Jeans: Nothing says rocker more than men’s worn jeans. Men’s jeans need to look like they’ve been worn for years to get that perfect rocker look.
Men’s Shoes: For this trend, pick men’s shoes that go with your own personal style. Typically solid dark colored shoes and boots pretty much go with any men’s clothing style.
Men’s Accessories: When you are choosing the colors of your men’s accessories, you don’t want to have an all black look. Go for men’s belts that have a lot of metal. Rock star style belt buckles and metallic belt patterns/textures are at the top of men’s fashion right now. A black wristband finishes the rock star look. Try to find a wristband with a complementing logo to create an extra rock star feel.

Follow these men’s fashion tips, and you’ll be looking and feeling like a rock star in no time!

This is one of the funniest (and kind of mean-*cringe*) pratical jokes I have ever played on someone.  In order to set the scene, you have to understand that I am an ESFP.  This tells you right up front, what type of personality I am to pull off such a prank.
Knowing from my personality type that I’m usually the last one to leave the party, or the conversation, and I’m also a night owl, it wouldn’t be too hard for you to understand that when I am in college, I routinely return to my dorm room, to get a couple hours of sleep, around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
On this particular night, or should I say morning, I came back to my room to find my roommate, David, sound asleep.  No surprise there.  We barely saw each other due to the fact that he was always asleep when I came in and he always left in the morning before I would regain consciousness.
I decided to turn his alarm clock forward so that he would think it was around 8:00 am instead of 2:00 am.  Once I manipulated his clock I then recruited the help of my willing cohort, Isaac, who had just been hanging out with me in the lobby a few minutes earlier.
I turned the light on, and took my shirt off, so that I could be putting it on as I woke my roommate to ask him if he was going to go to class that day.  He couldn’t believe that he had slept in.  What happened to his alarm clock he wondered.  I could tell be the way he was examining it closely, he was wondering why his alarm had failed him.
Just then, my hired help, Isaac, came walking down the hall and poked his head in our room and asked if I was going to breakfast.   I think this was the probably the key factor that caused my roommate (who at this point was worried he was going to be late for class) to jump out of bed and grab his shampoo and towel and head straight down the hall to the showers.
My partner in crime and I couldn’t believe it.  He actually bought it hook, line and sinker.  We were laughing so hard that we had to run down the hall to the other restroom for fear that my roommate would hear us.  OK, so now what.  David is in the shower.  It wouldn’t be long before he comes back to the room and there we would be guilty as charged.
However, I decided that the best way to handle the situation was to return his clock to the actual position of 2:06 am, turn off the light and hop into my bed.  I had said goodbye to Isaac and told him I would fill him in on the details the next day.
Sure enough, within a few minutes, my roommate returned from the shower.  He opened the door and flipped the light on.  No quicker had he turned the light on, when he flipped it off.  It was the only kind thing to do, since afterall, I was asleep in bed, or so he thought.
Once the light was off, I was able to open my eyes and see what he was up to.  He must have sat there in the dark and stared at his alarm clock for a good 3-4 minutes.  I’m sure that he wondering what had just happened to him.  I didn’t say a word, and he didn’t ask me anything.  He simply took his clothes off, and crawled back in to bed.
I laid there waiting for the question.  I couldn’t imagine that he wasn’t the least bit curious.  My mind started to wander.   Hmmmm… maybe he was plotting his revenge.  Oh, no, what had I done.   Was I going to, now, have to live in fear that the other shoe was going to drop at any moment.  My mind continued to wander and it wasn’t long before I thought myself to sleep, not realizing that I had even fallen asleep until I aroused the next morning.
Upon regaining my awareness to my surroundings, I look around the room to see if he had set any traps for me.  Hmmm… nothing out of the ordinary.  Was he waiting outside the door?  I slowly opened the door and peeked around the corner.  The hall was empty and all I could her was a couple of buddies chatting it up around the corner.  David, was no where to be found.
Confused, I jumped in the shower, purposefully checking to make sure that it was shampoo in the bottle and not Nair.  Everything seemed to be perfectly fine.  I arrived at the cafeteria and with normal reckless abandon grabbed a plateful of the most appetizing things available, which usually ended up being a cup of tea and some sausages.
I found a table of some friends and preceeded to tell them what had happened the night before when they all started laughing hysterically.  Now, I thought it was funny myself, but not to deserve this reaction.  Curious, I asked, what it was that was so funny.  One of them spoke up and said, “David, was just here and told us he had a dream last night that it was time to get up and it seemed so real to him that he actually got up and took a shower.  He said it must have been a dream, because when he got back to the room, it was actually just after 2:00 in the morning and his roomate was still asleep in bed.”
Suddenly it became clear to me, why there had been no revenge plotted.  He didn’t even realize that I had done anything.  Oh, my gosh!  I couldn’t believe it!  Well, I eventually caught up with David, as I now felt bad and wanted him to hear the truth from me, rather than hearing it from someone else making it look like I had been bragging about it all over campus, although I had.  I couldn’t believe it when I told him what I had done, he actually started laughing himself.  He thought it was hillarious and couldn’t believe I had thought of that.  He said he wasn’t upset at all… or was he?

While i was reading my favorite Tweets list, it just hit me that there are certain activities that are taking place on Twitter in the biggest “follower grab” in the history of the internet.  Reminiscent of the mau forest land grab, there seems to be a “mad dash” to grab as many Twitter followers as you can, as fast as you can.
If you haven’t gotten caught up in the excitement, I had better warn you that it is quite addicting.  As I created this list, funny how it came to me so easily… hmmm… I realized that I myself am guilty of a few of these tell tale signs.  So, sit back and enjoy the laugh and know that if you can associate with one or more of these, you are in good company!
Here are 10 sure-fire signs you’ve become a Twitter whore:
10.  Your Tweets have more than two hash tags: #HappyO9, #TCOT, #bedtimestories, #blacklabs that don’t seem to be related.
9.  You get a really nice DM repsonse back, but you have no clue what they are talking about, because you can’t link back to your original DM.
8.  You check Twitter Grader more than once a day.
7.  You get upset when less than 300 people have followed you… in just one day!
6.  You stay up later than you should, just to follow a “few” more Tweeters, oh and that one too, just one more, ah, now there’s a good one…wait, I see another.
5.  You unfollow people, just to follow them back so that your Twitter icon is catapulted to the beginning of their follower list, thereby giving you more exposure. Cha-ching!
4.  You’ve resigned yourself to Auto-follow with a spammy DM message!
3.  When someone following 300 people, or less, follows you there entire home page fills up with just your Tweets.
2.  You’ve given up going to people’s profiles before you follow them as long as they have a decent picture.
1.  You follow them even if they have a scary picture!

Thanks for stopping by, and by all means, if your not following me on Twitter yet, you can do so here: @watsonmaina