me myself & i

I’m not smooth in real life(picture banned by blogger).
I know.
Shocking.
I’ve been called “socially awkward”, “a little weird”, “creepy and gross.”
Mostly the last thing.
Which is why I’ve retreated to the darkness of my parents basement to write articles on Twitter.
Due to my un-smoothyness, I try not to interact with anyone on Twitter.  I look at the people following me as make-believe.
Like the Care Bears.Alyssa Milano
You guys are all the Care Bears.
Which is good, because I’ve made some horrible mistakes.  I’m going to share seven of the most embarrassing.  Perhaps I’m not alone.

1. Sending Out A Tweet That Was Supposed To Be A DM.
I tried to privately send a DM message to one of my engineering friends.
Glenn, you see Alyssa Milano's new profile pic?  That chick’s bangin’ hot. eeet!  eeet!
Tweet sent.
Only not just to Glenn.  To everyone that follows me.
So now people know I’m like totally checking out Alyssa Milano behind Alyssa Milano’s back.
I use the term “eet eet”.
And I’m friends with a guy named Glenn.
Glenn.
Devastating.

2. Asking Your Followers To Send You A Message If They Want You To Follow Them Back.
I see this all the time.
Someone will write “@reply me if you want me to follow you back.”
I mean, I guess that’s nice.  But imagine you’re the person who has to send that horrible message.
It appears you’re not following me.  Can you please follow me back?
What that really means is.
It appears I’m Twitter’s social leper.  You clearly had an opportunity to follow me, but elected not to.  So now I will publicly beg for your friendship.

3. Answering Every Question A Celebrity Asks.
I follow this one girl who sits there and answers every question Kim Kardashian asks.
Even the rhetorical ones.
And because I’m hilariously unemployed, I will read her entire page.  And then I realize something.
Kim Kardashian is this individual’s imaginary friend.
How tremendous.


4.  Clicking On DM Spam.
Is this u in this vid?  Click here.
Then you click it.
Really?
How many videos have you done in your life, crazy pants?
How many videos have you done that you think would be sent to you via DM on Twitter by someone you don’t really know.

5. Asking For More Followers.
Hey guys, trying to get to 1000 followers by midnight.  Please RT!
Hilarious.
Let’s translate that.
Hey guys, I bring absolutely nothing to the table.  But follow me so I can get to an arbitrary number.  Thanks you guys!

6. Asking A Girl For A Twitpic Of Herself When Your W Key Is Broken.
This might just be me.

7. The “Oh Shit” Tweet.
There’s this breathtaking event that happens on Twitter.  Someone you follow sends a tweet and you can only say “oh shit”.
juss got back from the clinic, peeps.  burning shud stop in a few weeks.
mah boobs are itchy. lmaoz!
anyone in Nairobi area got any crack?  please RT
Thanks for that.
People think Twitter’s a friend they can confide in.  It’s not.
Not your friend.
Twitter’s a big douchebag that remembers everything and will throw it in your face when you’re at your most vulnerable.
You think Itchy Boobs rocketing up the corporate ladder?
Exactly.
–
There you have it.  Let me know if you’ve done any of these things, or see me do them live on twitter @watsonmaina.
And if your name is Glenn, I’m sorry.
The last thing anyone needs is a bunch of angry Glenns hehe
=>as you were!!!

So here are the shameless pickup lines i sometimes use just for the fun of it. Some time they work but sometimes it goes like..well lets just say pfttt(their loss..or not lol) hehe 
I will be sharing my shameless pickup lines and their most probable general reactions #sighhh
here we go.........................

pickup line: "Hey do you have any kikuyu in you?" [blank stare]
                  "You want some?"
General reaction to this line: F*%& off leprechaun

pickup line: "Do you clean your clothes with windex? [awkward pause]
                    Because I see myself in your pants"
General reaction to this line: Pants quickly move in the opposite direction, followed by a no-look, over the shoulder middle finger thrusted into the air.


pickup line: "Hey, do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checkin' out ma' package!"
General reaction to this line: Punch in the throat



pickup line: "Do you sleep on your stomach?" [usually followed by a 'Yes', 'Sometimes' or 'No']
                   ..."Can I?"
General reaction to this line: Simultaneously, her mouth drops while her hand slaps mine.


pickup line: "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
General reaction to this line: Only body parts to touch is a fist to my face.


pickup line: "Hey, do you have any band-aids?" [usually followed by 'no, why'] "because I skinned my knees falling for you."
General reaction to this line: Swift kick to the groin.



pickup line: "Wanna have sex while we eat pizza?" [disgusted look on her face]
"What's wrong, don't like Pizza?"
General reaction to this line: Only person visiting my pad that night is the pizza delivery boy.


pickup line: "Excuse me. Have we had sex?"
[followed by disgusted, 'No']
"Wanna?"
General reaction to this line: Another 'No' followed by: 'I'd rather French kiss a barracuda."


pickup line: "Do I know you? Because I'm having a hard time recognizing you with your clothes on."
General reaction to this line:Left with five red finger marks imprinted on the side of my face.

pickup line: If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
General reaction to this line:"Ew! Get away, creep." Followed by physical reinforcement


pickup line: Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
General reaction to this line: Your a prevert followed by pepper spray

pickup line:That shirt is very becoming on you. If I was that shirt I'd be comming on you too.
General reaction to this line:Idk I'll I remember was seeing stars...


pickup line: Do you work at Subway? `cause you give me a footlong.
General reaction to this line: Drowning in pepper spray.


pickup line: Is your dad a carpenter? (pause for effect) because I’ve got wood.
General reaction to this line:Gasp then Kick to the Family Jewels


pickup line: Going up to the girl "If I was an astronaut, I'd orbit around Uranus"
General reaction to this line:A swift kick between the legs


pickup line: If you were a pirate would you keep you parrot on this shoulder (tap the shoulder nearest to me) or this shoulder...(swing around the back for a one armed hug)
General reaction to this line: A kick right in me jolly rodgers.


pickup line: (Handing rose to woman....)
"I just wanted to show this rose how pretty you are...."
or....
"Your dress looks fantastic, but it would look better rumpled up at the foot of my bed"
 
Lastly.....(best after dark....)
"Can I buy you breakfast tomorrow morning?"


General reaction to these lines:"you are an idiot" 

Before i forget...
#nb: dont try this<bad things will happen to you>  hehehehe